So, one day I got this crazy idea...
This is pretty much how all of my insanity gets started, with a small idea. A few months ago an old friend from High School mentioned that she had been contacted several times by several different companies who assist foreign exchange students with finding host families in the States. My friend mentioned that while she liked the idea, it wasn't something her family could do at the time. Immediately my mind slipped to two great friends I made in 9th grade from Bonn, Germany and the empty guest room in my house. I decided to send out a message, just to get some information about the organizations...and then it all snowballed from there.
One of the companies I contacted was CCI Greenheart. On a brief overview, I liked that CCI offered more than just host family placement. They had a strong core of volunteerism and "green" thinking built into their program. Not only were exchange students (which went both ways, mind you - something else I liked) expected to maintain good grades throughout the school year, they were also expected to volunteer in their communities. It's something I've been trying to teach my own kids, but it hasn't really stuck. I emailed for more information and within hours I had received a phone call and had been vetted over the phone as a potential candidate. Jennifer, out of Akron, told me she had also been a host parent and that she and her family had really enjoyed the experience. I told her I would need to discuss it with my own family as I hadn't even mentioned it yet and she offered to send me a few very basic profiles of potential exchange students who were currently looking for placement.
Fast forward to now. Our host student, a 17-year-old boy from Japan named Boku, is due to arrive Monday night.
Time to panic, right?!
I've got the basics covered. His room is basically ready (I have bed linens to wash tomorrow and a good dusting and sweeping to do) and I think everyone's pretty much excited about the adventure ahead of us.
My worries are many, but I've gone into management mode.
1. Meal Planning - One of the only things I am required to provide for our new student (besides, you know, the roof over the head and bed thing) is food. I'll be switching from cooking for a family of four to a family of five...and four of them boys, at least three of them who know how to put away food pretty well. The challenge here is making things our student will like, but I'm going to go with some family favorites for the first week and wish for the best. I've pulled out my favorite sites like allrecipes.com and am actually looking forward to doing more cooking again.
2. Activities and Outings - One of the other things I need to get down is a plan of action for fun family activities that cost very little and have a high return for me on calorie burn value. I'm trying to get myself back into shape and still working around some pretty major barrier-type injuries, so I'll be trying to find ways to do some hiking, biking, walking, swimming, rowing, etc. Our student has said he's not overly outdoorsy, but we like to do things once or twice a month as a family (actually, I have a hard time not planning something for me and the boys each weekend, even if it's just shopping or going to get frozen yogurt).
3. Back to School Planning - The final piece to the puzzle will be getting three boys ready for another school year...one of which should technically be a senior and two of which will be in high school, a first in our house this year. I'll be contacting the school as soon as he arrives to check on things like his schedule and see if I can arrange for a private walk-through of the facility OR if I can just bring him with us to 9th Grade Orientation.
Talk about adventures, right?! A new kid we don't hardly know living with us for an entire year...and one from another country even! I'm going to try to keep this log up again so that I can chronicle not only my recovery from those injuries and return to the FitFat Girl status I've so boldly claimed, but also the challenges we face as a family as we take on this adventure.
Stay tuned and here's wishing you all and us some 元気. That's good health and vitatlity...I think!
Okay, so I admit it has been quite a while since my last blog post. But the life and times of the FitFat Girl continue, much as they always do, in a hailstorm of chaos. The best laid plans and all that.
So, on the 11th of June I asked you to call it a comeback and finally and proudly announced my triumphant returns to my FitFat life. And then I got busy doing it. Here's the skinny (HA!) on what's been going on.
Food: The Good Girl's Drug by Sunny Sea Gold
It Starts with Food - Whole30 with Dallas & Melissa Hartwig
I know what you're thinking, but here is my reasoning. First of all, I don't consider this a "diet" in the traditional sense of the word. Yes, it deals with eating and restriction of certain foods, but to me Whole30 has always been and always will be two things: a cleanse for my body and a break in bad habits with the formation of good ones. It's food exploration. It's like survival instincts at work. What would happen if I took away all of your modern go-to for energy foods and handed you restrictions that said: only meat, veggies, some fruits, and healthy fats. What happens is you start reading labels. You start considering your food sources. You start realizing that while you CAN cook at home EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, you really don't want to, so then you start trying to figure out how to survive in the real world in places like resturants where about 95% of the menu is either coated in sugar, grains or dairy, or a combination of all three.
What also happens? You try new foods. You realize how good REAL food tastes. You start tasting an apple for the sake of the apple and realize just how sweet that must have tasted to the first people on earth and why it might have been considered "forbidden" because of it's natural goodness. You also stop having serious stomach and digestion issues. You start having more energy and clarity, even when you're dog-ass tired. You can't figure out why you're running so well even though you still have all the same stressors - work, family, housecleaning, bills to pay - AND you're adding cooking and cleaning up after cooking adventures to your list at least 2-3 times a day.
I'm on day 13 of my third round of Whole30. The first time I think I made it to day 8 before I gave in. The second time - day 28. This time I plan on taking it all the way. And the only problems I'm having are: I get really hungry sometimes, like intrinsically hungry, not craving hungry...and if you haven't felt that in a while, it's a strange feeling that doesn't always happen just in your gut. Second problem - I need a LOT of time to cook. Especially since I don't do double duty in the kitchen when I do Whole30. When I eat this way, so does my family, to a point. This time Hubs has agreed to join me. His only little change was that he still wants to have half-and-half in his coffee, but he's drinking less coffee anyhow, and it's his program and his body, not mine. The kids still munch on junk food and can go grab a burger at McD's if they so choose, but for the most part, they're eating Whole30 as well. My youngest actually came up to me and said, "I think I can go back to one or even NONE of my daily laxatives for the month!" (He has encopresis that is further complicated by issues with processing dairy.)
The physical downsides have all been mental, though. I have continued to fight with myself about wanting to taste the creaminess of ice cream, but I'm trying to find ways that, once I'm finished with Whole30, I can curb those texture needs with things that aren't going to cause issues with my intestinal tract. The one difference between round 3 of Whole30 and rounds 1 and 2, is that I'm spending the entire 30 days trying to figure out how to incorporate better dietary goals into my everyday life. I don't want to eat everything bad for me every day of the year other than those I am doing a round of Whole30. I also don't want to say I can never have another cupcake or scoop of ice cream or burger on a bun. The question for me this entire time has been, "When is it going to be worth it, and when is it not?" I would also love to know if it's the dairy or the grains that cause my daily stomach issues, so I know which to avoid more often. My overall thinking has been that if I can find Paleo subs for my favorite "no-no" foods, then what the hell have I got to lose? Sure, I can eat out with the Hubs every once in a while and have a rich, sugary, buttery roll with dinner, but I don't need to do that every night...and I need to let my body lead that charge.
Also, because of my issues with dieting and my eating disorder, I'm liking the idea of not measuring my food or overanalyzing everything I eat. If I can stick to some basic "rules" for myself about the types of food I eat, then maybe I can live a normal existence as if I'm simply someone with a food allergy or other such issue. There are people walking around every day, eating in restaurants and shopping in some of those middle aisles at the grocery store, who simply avoid dairy or wheat or whatever because they have a legit allergy to that food. While I can't claim allergy, the fact that my daily stomach problems have DISAPPEARED in 13 days leads me to believe that my body has problems digesting certain types of foods. If I avoid them most of the time and only use that small percentage for times that really mean something to me emotionally (or because it's an extra special treat), then I may just find the ticket I need to stop overplanning and being overly picky about how much I can eat.
I just wanted to leave you with a list of all the things I have gained in these 13 days:
- I am lighter on my feet.
- My knees aren't creaking as much.
- My back pain has almost gone completely.
- My foot is feeling a lot better.
- I'm regaining some flexibility.
- My stomach pains are gone.
- My head is finally clear and my headaches are growing more rare.
- I have clarity of mind when I'm working.
- I sleep more soundly.
- I have more confidence in my ability to prepare healthy foods or find alternatives.
- My skin has cleared up.
- I have a lot more energy.
Yesterday I would have told you that I was feeling smaller because my clothes were getting baggy, but it's really been hit or miss with my body responding to that. Today I feel a little more bloated for some strange reason...(maybe too many pickles on my bunless burger last night? salt?!), but I have been checking the scale (Whole30 devotees can now scold me, I don't care) and I have lost weight. Roughly 15-16 pounds thus far given the day and time of day. This, while important to me, is the least important to how I actually feel and how capable I am at doing active things.
Did I tell you I'm going rafting this weekend? Eep!
I have never been one for corny sayings or phrases. Always wanting to be "original" I fought against the conventions and the norm. I never liked hearing that someone felt "blessed" or was on a "journey" until I realized I was blessed and on a journey and no amount of fighting I did was going to change that. To the left is a picture of me with one of the friends I feel most blessed to know that I met on this journey. (Do you see me, breaking away from all the quotation marks and everything? Progress!) No matter how far down the rabbit hole I went, she stayed at the top waiting for me to make my grand appearance. And I don't know what it was about today, but when I finally broke the surface and breathed a deep breath of air and promised to reclaim my former glory, she was there, as I expected. She didn't offer any "told you so" comments or advice. She just simply said, "I like your attitude!" and told me that she too had found herself reconnecting with friends over the health and fitness journey.Let's face it, if you are a person in today's society and especially if you are a woman, you have or are on some sort of diet or health and fitness path. All this me thinking I was all alone in the world was utter nonsense, and I thank my friends like Ang who just stuck by me and said, "I know what you mean" so many times that I couldn't stop thinking that maybe she really DID know. She isn't my size. She hasn't had my circumstances in life. We have many differences in our lives, but still, somehow, she has always known how I have felt. Even when she was running her heart out and I was sidelined, I never once doubted that she knew how I felt. Why did I assume I was so alone?I picked this picture for one other reason as well. I think this is one of the last pictures of me where I felt somewhat in control of my life. For the past few months it has been a whirlwind of change and strange new things and just a mass amount of confusion and doubt. It was all over good things happening - a new amazing job and buying a house - that somehow I felt I hadn't EARNED or wasn't WORTH. I got busy, sure...but that's not the reason everything fell apart. Somehow, subconsciously, I thought I needed to be punished for the good things I had gained in my life. I couldn't reconcile myself with the blessings and instead of simply accepting them and being thankful, I wanted to justify them to anyone that would listen. Guess what? My true friends didn't care. They didn't need justifications. I fought hard to get here and I finally arrived...that's all they saw.So my thanks to my girl, Ang, and all the other fabulous women - a couple Ambers, a Bethany, a Maggie, and so many more that I can't even begin to start naming them all. You know who you are. You kept my light shining while I was trying to snuff it out. Good news, girls! I'm back. I'm ready to fan the flames of my own fire again. I'm ready to reclaim my power. Please, call it a comeback. And thank you again for keeping vigil while I was away. I feel blessed, truly blessed, to have each and every one of you in my life, no matter how virtually. (And, for those I haven't yet met in person yet --- there's a guest room in my house reserved for you any time you want it...I just need to buy a bed and some other furnishings for it... *lol*)The plan as of today: Make a plan.What can I say? It's a start!
I haven't been shy about the fact that I've devoted the first 1/2 of Whole30 to attempting to heal my heel (okay, my PF...same diff). After several days of lowered, but still there irritation and pain I've come to realize that it's as good as it's going to get for now without help from me. So I'm going to help it out.
Step 1: Stretching
The doctor (physical therapist) has assigned me 4 different things to do two to three times a day.
1) The golf ball roll.
I always heard a tennis ball was best, but she's telling me I need the hard and small golf ball to really get the work done. I have one in my bag with me always now. The idea is to roll my foot on it three times a day for however long I can stand so that I can break down the nasty collagen and build back up the good stuff.
2) The calf stretch.
I have to put my injured foot behind me, straight, and my other knee bent and then lean into the wall. This should stretch the muscles that run up my foot/ankle/leg, especially my calf. The stiffness in my leg is a bit crazy considering I haven't worked on in so long.
3) The calf stretch, part deux.
Same as above, except with my bad knee bent as well. This stretches different leg muscles and is just as important.
4) The arch massage.
Three times a day I'm supposed to massage my arch for about 30 seconds at least. This does the same as number one. The bonus? I use lotion when I massage and so my feet are getting softer already! *lol*
If I could express to all of you how much these actually HURT me you might understand more why I sometimes avoid them. But I have to stop doing that because I really think this might actually be one of those "no pain, no gain" situations. I have to get over the hurt to get to the stretch part.
Step 2: Flexibility Through Exercise
I need to start out my workout routine with exercise that help improve my flexibility and do not require me to bounce or jump on my foot/ankle. Now if I could get to the pool or a bike, I would totally do that, but I simply can't work that out right now. Instead I'll be trying the following:
I have at least 2 yoga DVDs and I'm not afraid of getting more. I will try to take the bounce out of Yoga Meltdown (by Jillian Michaels) as well and use that for an extra HR bump if possible. (But if she stresses the foot too much, she'll be kicked out of rotation.)
I have one pilates DVD. I hate Pilates because it seems to be more painful than Yoga to me. But I will give it another try because it MIGHT just work out the kinks...if I can get past the initial OUCH stage.
- UFC Ultimate Trainer
I got this for myself as a gift for Christmas (a Black Friday deal!), but I have yet to try it out. I believe you can build your own workouts, so I think if I put in a lot of strength training stuff I should be good. My PT actually encourages lunges (even though they hurt me) because it might help increase flexibility in my foot/ankle.
- Strength Training
I have been at this long enough that I should be able to set up a routine. And my FIL has a weight set in his garage that I've been told I'm welcome to use. I may take him up on that offer because for right now my PT doesn't even suggest walking. I need something to build my strength back up.
Here's the thing - Whole30 has done wonders to debloat me and shrink me, but I can tell I'm all mushy inside right now. Two months off of my heavy duty workouts makes for a squishy Esther. I may not be able to do much of a calorie burn right now in my workouts, but I can build more muscle, which will help increase my all-over calorie burn throughout the day. So that's the plan. I gave the foot it's time...and it healed up quite a bit on its own. But Whole30 is not a complete miracle for me. I have to take steps to help reap the benefits. So for the next 16 days, that will include some strength and flexibility and stretching.
For now, there is no set plan other than to do at least 15-20 minutes every weeknight and to get my stretches done 3 times a day, every single day, even if they aren't evenly spaced out (my OCD sometimes keeps me from my task, I'm realizing).
1/2 of January is almost up. How are you spending your time?
First of all, Day 7 was fine. I ate a bunch of leftovers (and eggs, of course, for breakfast), so there are no pictures (I don't take pictures of leftovers *lol*). I cannot tell you how worried I was about the next day and I started early on the stressing over whether or not I'd manage and how sad I thought it would be to be so restricted on that day.
Day 8 - My Birthday
But do you know what happened? I didn't cheat. I did get frustrated, but I did not cheat or go off plan or anything of the sort. I questioned the waitress at lunch. I told her not to cook any of my food in butter or sauce - only oils. I asked about putting sauteed mushrooms and onions on my steak and she told me that they come precut in a sauce, so I told her to forget it. I had grilled veggies along with steamed broccoli. Do you want to know the best way to eat a steak with grilled veggies? Together. All the flavors mesh and things like grilled tomatoes make a perfect compliment to a not so great quality steak.
It was a rough day. I spent over 2 hours in the doctor's office/hospital and was chaged a friggin' hospital copay simply because the doctor sent us over to have x-rays done of Ethan. (This is all for Ethan's encopresis. Which, btw, has gotten better again because I'm eating Whole30 so he's not having unlimited access to a ton of dairy products at the house. Now what he eats at school is his deal...can't control everything.)
After that rough start, I barely made it to the Ulta store where I was set to have my brows done for my birthday. (If you have an Ulta store nearby and your birthday is coming up, ask if they have a Benefit Brow Bar. You get a free brow waxing/shaping on your birthday! It was my first time getting it done and my brow area is still a tad swollen, but I absolutely love the job my girl did! And it only cost me 5 bucks...for the tip!) After brows and such, we headed to lunch...and I seriously, nearly lost my s#*t over the rolls sitting in front of me and the fact that they had precut presauced onions and mushrooms. *sigh* I choked down my resolve and ate my steak (and couldn't even finish a 6 oz steak! Which, of course, meant Ethan got a few bites so he was quite pleased) and veggies (ate all of them).
After that, it was off to Michael's to sort out a mistake that had happened on Sunday which had caused me to be overcharged for something. I was dreading this part and told Ethan I wanted to get it over with before we continued on with what I wanted to do - shop at Ulta and Target. Thankfully, the guy at the register was super nice and even though I had to wait for a rush to clear out, once he started helping me I was in and out in 5 minutes. Not bad.
Did I grumble over the Purple Mountain Yogurt sign taunting me from down the way? Yep. But I didn't get any.
Did my heart jump a little when a girl at the Ulta store offered me a butterscotch candy for my birthday? Yes. But I didn't die.
I talked to my brow girl about what I was doing and she was the first person to be alright with it. "Well it just sounds like you're eating really good stuff still anyhow." *all smiles* I can't tell you how many people start a conversation right now with, "So what is this eating thing you're doing?" They think it's a fad diet, I know. I try to explain the WHY for me as well as the what so they understand that I'm not doing it to lose weight...though it would be a nice bonus. I don't want anyone to think this is a fad diet. It's the healthiest form of a cleanse I've ever seen...and it has opened my eyes as to the mass quantities of sugar we are consuming every single day.
Finally, after all the chaos, it was time for my real work to start. I say work because we're strapped for cash right now and so instead of buying everything I wanted at Ulta, I took notes on what I wanted, what shade was right for me, and how much it costs. That way I can look for sales or when I have some money I know what I want to spend it on. I'm trying to be smart in 2013...we'll see how that turns out. ;) We spent at least an hour in the store and I came away with 3 pages of notes and $50 worth of product...which was actually a good deal. (Okay the $14 bar of soap was not a good "deal" but OMFG if you could smell this soap! I have all of the MOR soaps on my list because they smell amazing! They even have one with Kale! I'm planning on pampering myself this weekend with a bath using my bubble bath (marked down from $4 to .99) and a lather with my new yummy smelling soap. It's my present to myself for getting this far in the Whole30 game.)
We FINALLY left Ulta and I headed over to Target to use a few coupons. Got an eyeshadow for 4.99 instead of 6.99 (it's a gorgeous plum color! Cannot wait to wear it!) and 2 packets of Baby Lips for 1.99 each instead of 2.99 (or 3+ everywhere else!). Ethan got a Coke. *face/palm* I can't fault the kid for wanting something other than water. I had only had my tea up until that point...
As we were headed home, I took a quick detour by the Kroger in town. It's one of the best Kroger stores and has a great health food section, but I couldn't find much of anything snacky to eat there either. Instead I ended up with some Brazil nuts and 2 packages of pre-sliced watermelon. That was my "cake" or sweet for the day - watermelon. (Well, that an an Asian pear last night with some almond butter. It was my birthday! I splurged! ;) )
A quick stop by Rite-Aid to pick up some prescriptions and some face cleanser and makeup (more sales and coupons!) was last on our list before home.
At home, Hubs cooked dinner for me just as he promised he would. He took me shopping the day before so I could pick out and describe to him what he could and could not use. He whipped up some steak strips with onions and mushrooms in the wok with some Olive Oil and steak seasoning. It was absolutely wonderful! And he tossed a bag of those Steamfresh veggies in the micro for a side. I told him his steak was better than the restaurants (it was a really good cut of meat!).
So, see...I survived my birthday without cake. I didn't even blow out a candle (okay, I regret that a bit...should have put a candle in my watermelon), but I did make a wish that the stress would be worth it. And I woke up today with less pain than I have had in a very long time. I win!
Ready for some photo fun?
Julep in Michelle (navy) and Sally Hansen Smooth & Perfect in Sea (whitish)
Headed out for the day. The eye makeup I got complimented on at Ulta. *big grin* It's a Wizard of Oz themed palette and I now love it! :)
Waiting at the doctor's office...for an HOUR before seeing the doctor. Then off to the hospital for an x-ray, for which he had to be admitted first as a technicality. It was a strange situation and I feel like I got duped out of 50 bucks. *sigh* Ah-well...if it makes my boy better...
Before and after brows. I really like them!
On to day 9. Going to get some work done and see how tired I get throughout the day. Still experiencing some lulls and I'm hoping they go away...but it might be more the nature of the work I do and how I feel about it than it is anything else.
Oh, and I have an interview tomorrow. Wish me luck!
There it be.
This is part of what I've been working on for days. Going to shoot a vlog later for the vlog channel and hope to vlog every day throughout my Whole30 so you can see how I look, what I feel like and get the real impression of how I'm doing. (Bonus? I think it will help keep me on task knowing I need to report about my experience every day.)
So you can subscribe to my vlog channel for updates from the FitFat Girl on healthy eating/fitness, etc.
And you can subscribe to my other channel for fun beauty stuff.
That's what's up.
Working on my 2013 goals and this is a big part of that. Time to get REAL!
I started a 2012 in pictures type post a la The Chicken Scoop, but I didn't make it past fall before I realized I had more to say than pictures can tell.
I fell apart a bit in 2012.
Don't think this is one of those sad woe-is-me type posts.
Not at all.
I think falling apart was exactly what I needed.
In 2010 I started losing weight and working out and getting healthy.
And it was easy and fun and I took it for granted.
And in 2011 thing slowed down and I got mad at the scale because it wasn't moving fast enough.
And I took for granted the fact that it was still moving.
And in 2012, I fell apart. I went backward. I lost mobility and discovered the true battle I will be fighting for the rest of my life.
This is not going to be easy.
Not that I think it's easy for anyone, but, let us be honest, there are people that started after me and are already done and didn't hit any super major roadblocks to trip them up. Yes, to me they had it easy.
As I progressed I merely uncovered the truly horrible bone and joint structure my body is made up of. It's funny I've spent all this time wondering what my outside body will look like when I'm skinny, but I never considered how torn up the inside already was.
And I can't tell you if my years of being overweight attributed to that or caused it or what (though I'm pretty much 100% sure it did not help).
I actually came into this world broken.
I probably never told any of you that.
On the way out my shoulders were so broad that I broke my collarbone on the way out.
When I was 6, I broke it again in a high-stakes game of superman with my sister.
A whole 10 years passed before I got another broken bone, when I broke my foot due to my knee popping out on me while jumping up and down.
By then I already knew my knee joints were shot.
So what does a girl who has felt broken all her life, both mentally and physically, do with herself when she feels like she's fallen apart completely?
Because that has been the end of 2012 for me.
And the only possible thing I can think to do is rebuild.
Trust me, I thought about the alternatives.
I considered giving up on myself, on life, on anything ever working out.
I can't say that I don't still believe that the world wasn't meant for people like me from time to time, but I can tell you that I am not for a second taking for granted that I have these bonds with important people in my life, people who deserve every bit of the happiness the world can dish out. If I can stick around and just watch how things unfold for them, and maybe even be there for them when they need it - if my suffering in some way evens out the world so they can have whatever they desire out of life - I'm here for the long haul.
I know that sounds defeatest, but it's really not.
I would 100% give up my life, my happiness and every bit of myself for my children.
I think every mother would.
Now I'm hoping the world doesn't ask that of me.
I have plans to better myself in 2013 and I would love some cooperation on that front.
But when it comes down to the down and dirty nitty gritty my life for theirs question - there is no doubt where I would go with that.
2012 may have broken me, but it taught me what was important.
The people I love.
My husband, who has somehow become the one person in my entire world who can pull me out of the depths with just a touch.
My sons, who remind me every single day just how lucky I really am to have them in my life and watch them grow.
My mother, who drives me crazy sometimes but is the absolute best thing I bring with me from my childhood.
My two should-be sisters, Andrea and Hillary, who have taught me that I am actually better today than I was before and I'm still someone worth knowing.
My new sister, my step-brother, and the family they are building. Because I finally learned this year just how important it is to ADD, not subtract to the love.
My step-brother, who is having his own bit of falling apart happening right now. If I can just help him through somehow, maybe all I've gone through will have meant something.
My nieces, who I never get to see but I would fly to in an instant if they ever needed me and would protect them as my own in full-on Momma Bear mode.
Even my sister. Because even though we do not get along hardly ever and we rarely connect on anything - I realize just how special it is to have someone in the world who experienced life a lot like you did, if even just a bit differently.
I've made some new friends along the way.
I've challenged myself to put myself out there and people have responded with kindness and love.
I will cherish this part of 2012 and will use that to build myself a better me in the upcoming year.
I have dreams and goals still.
As much as I think at times I might be happier to just let life flow without a plan, I am not that type of person.
I have some ideas in my head, some plans in the works.
I'm trying to start a YouTube channel as a bit of a test for myself to put myself out there even more.
I want to find some real meaning in my life and a purpose that is more than go to work and make money to pay the bills.
I want to be more than a fat girl trying to get fit.
I want to indulge the parts of myself that already exist.
The girl in love with makeup and fashion but never seems to understand how to make them work with what she's got. I'm going to figure it out this year!
The girl who loves taking pictures, even if she should by all rights be able to edit and sell her prints but can't seem to be okay with misperfection. I'm going to find a way to push past my fear of the imperfect and let myself contribute to the world.
I think my youngest son said it best last night when he turned to me and said, "You're so scared of being wrong. It's not going to be perfect." Oh, his little mind is more brilliant than he realizes.
2013 is the year of messing up.
I'm going to actually set out to fail.
I'm going to let myself trip.
I'm going to make mistakes.
I hope I learn that mistakes don't kill me and that people are okay with me even when I'm not perfect.
I hope I learn to love my flawed self.
Too long I've waited in the wings here to be perfect.
I didn't want to show you who I really was or what I really wanted because I was afraid that you would tear me down. I was afraid you would point out the flaws. I didn't want to be called fat or lazy or stupid or wrong or just not talented enough. So I hid parts of myself.
I don't write because I can't get it perfect on the first go-round.
It's been haunting me my entire life.
But no more.
Here we go!
* Start up a photography side business
* Do NaNoWriMo for real this time
* Start a YouTube channel (2 actually) - one on beauty and one vlogging my experiences
* Tighten the purse strings and stick to a strict budget
* Really participate in couponing on a regular basis
* Do the Whole30 for the Whole30
* Figure out how to manage my broken body and get back to feeling strong