So, one day I got this crazy idea...

This is pretty much how all of my insanity gets started, with a small idea.  A few months ago an old friend from High School mentioned that she had been contacted several times by several different companies who assist foreign exchange students with finding host families in the States.  My friend mentioned that while she liked the idea, it wasn't something her family could do at the time.  Immediately my mind slipped to two great friends I made in 9th grade from Bonn, Germany and the empty guest room in my house.  I decided to send out a message, just to get some information about the organizations...and then it all snowballed from there.

One of the companies I contacted was CCI Greenheart. On a brief overview, I liked that CCI offered more than just host family placement.  They had a strong core of volunteerism and "green" thinking built into their program.  Not only were exchange students (which went both ways, mind you - something else I liked) expected to maintain good grades throughout the school year, they were also expected to volunteer in their communities.  It's something I've been trying to teach my own kids, but it hasn't really stuck.  I emailed for more information and within hours I had received a phone call and had been vetted over the phone as a potential candidate.  Jennifer, out of Akron, told me she had also been a host parent and that she and her family had really enjoyed the experience.  I told her I would need to discuss it with my own family as I hadn't even mentioned it yet and she offered to send me a few very basic profiles of potential exchange students who were currently looking for placement.

Fast forward to now.  Our host student, a 17-year-old boy from Japan named Boku, is due to arrive Monday night.

Time to panic, right?!

I've got the basics covered. His room is basically ready (I have bed linens to wash tomorrow and a good dusting and sweeping to do) and I think everyone's pretty much excited about the adventure ahead of us.

My worries are many, but I've gone into management mode.

1. Meal Planning - One of the only things I am required to provide for our new student (besides, you know, the roof over the head and bed thing) is food.  I'll be switching from cooking for a family of four to a family of five...and four of them boys, at least three of them who know how to put away food pretty well.  The challenge here is making things our student will like, but I'm going to go with some family favorites for the first week and wish for the best.  I've pulled out my favorite sites like allrecipes.com and am actually looking forward to doing more cooking again.

2. Activities and Outings - One of the other things I need to get down is a plan of action for fun family activities that cost very little and have a high return for me on calorie burn value.  I'm trying to get myself back into shape and still working around some pretty major barrier-type injuries, so I'll be trying to find ways to do some hiking, biking, walking, swimming, rowing, etc.  Our student has said he's not overly outdoorsy, but we like to do things once or twice a month as a family (actually, I have a hard time not planning something for me and the boys each weekend, even if it's just shopping or going to get frozen yogurt).

3. Back to School Planning - The final piece to the puzzle will be getting three boys ready for another school year...one of which should technically be a senior and two of which will be in high school, a first in our house this year.  I'll be contacting the school as soon as he arrives to check on things like his schedule and see if I can arrange for a private walk-through of the facility OR if I can just bring him with us to 9th Grade Orientation.

Talk about adventures, right?!  A new kid we don't hardly know living with us for an entire year...and one from another country even!  I'm going to try to keep this log up again so that I can chronicle not only my recovery from those injuries and return to the FitFat Girl status I've so boldly claimed, but also the challenges we face as a family as we take on this adventure.

Stay tuned and here's wishing you all and us some 元気.  That's good health and vitatlity...I think!

Okay, so I admit it has been quite a while since my last blog post.  But the life and times of the FitFat Girl continue, much as they always do, in a hailstorm of chaos.  The best laid plans and all that.

So, on the 11th of June I asked you to call it a comeback and finally and proudly announced my triumphant returns to my FitFat life.  And then I got busy doing it.  Here's the skinny (HA!) on what's been going on.

Food: The Good Girl's Drug by Sunny Sea Gold

I began my rethinking and reorganizing by reading this book.  Well, reading most of it.  I still have a little more to go.  For the most part it's just reconfirming a lot of the things I already know.  I have an eating disorder that goes deep down into the depths of who I am.  Any sort of diet, then, can be dangerous because I gravitate toward disordered eating, whether it be binging or restriction.  I can honestly admit to you today that while I suffer most with BED (Binge Eating Disorder), I have also tried my hand at both Anorexia and Bulemia.  I have actually in my life glorified persons who were able to manage an eating disorder to maintin a healthy weight.  BED, while now formally recognized as an actual eating disorder, in the days I was growing up just meant you were fat, lazy and had no self-control.  Problem is, anyone who knows me and knows what I have been able to do with dedication and desire know that lack of self-control isn't really my problem.  (In fact, most days I just have problems letting go and letting life happen.  I overplan EVERYTHING.)  The problem I have with this book is that while it confirms my beliefs in what I suffer through, the suggestions do not help me with my actual immediate need to lose some of the fat that is strangling my heart.  So far I've gotten to the part where it's telling me to love myself for who I am right now, and I want to do that, and it's telling me it will be hard, but I'm telling it that it's pretty much impossible in the way they imagine.  And the only thing I knew to do was jump to one of the most restrictive diets I know.

It Starts with Food - Whole30 with Dallas & Melissa Hartwig

I know what you're thinking, but here is my reasoning.  First of all, I don't consider this a "diet" in the traditional sense of the word.  Yes, it deals with eating and restriction of certain foods, but to me Whole30 has always been and always will be two things: a cleanse for my body and a break in bad habits with the formation of good ones.  It's food exploration.  It's like survival instincts at work.  What would happen if I took away all of your modern go-to for energy foods and handed you restrictions that said: only meat, veggies, some fruits, and healthy fats.  What happens is you start reading labels.  You start considering your food sources.  You start realizing that while you CAN cook at home EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, you really don't want to, so then you start trying to figure out how to survive in the real world in places like resturants where about 95% of the menu is either coated in sugar, grains or dairy, or a combination of all three.

What also happens?  You try new foods.  You realize how good REAL food tastes.  You start tasting an apple for the sake of the apple and realize just how sweet that must have tasted to the first people on earth and why it might have been considered "forbidden" because of it's natural goodness.  You also stop having serious stomach and digestion issues.  You start having more energy and clarity, even when you're dog-ass tired.  You can't figure out why you're running so well even though you still have all the same stressors - work, family, housecleaning, bills to pay - AND you're adding cooking and cleaning up after cooking adventures to your list at least 2-3 times a day.

I'm on day 13 of my third round of Whole30.  The first time I think I made it to day 8 before I gave in.  The second time - day 28.  This time I plan on taking it all the way.  And the only problems I'm having are: I get really hungry sometimes, like intrinsically hungry, not craving hungry...and if you haven't felt that in a while, it's a strange feeling that doesn't always happen just in your gut.  Second problem - I need a LOT of time to cook.  Especially since I don't do double duty in the kitchen when I do Whole30.  When I eat this way, so does my family, to a point.  This time Hubs has agreed to join me.  His only little change was that he still wants to have half-and-half in his coffee, but he's drinking less coffee anyhow, and it's his program and his body, not mine.  The kids still munch on junk food and can go grab a burger at McD's if they so choose, but for the most part, they're eating Whole30 as well.  My youngest actually came up to me and said, "I think I can go back to one or even NONE of my daily laxatives for the month!"  (He has encopresis that is further complicated by issues with processing dairy.)

The physical downsides have all been mental, though.  I have continued to fight with myself about wanting to taste the creaminess of ice cream, but I'm trying to find ways that, once I'm finished with Whole30, I can curb those texture needs with things that aren't going to cause issues with my intestinal tract.  The one difference between round 3 of Whole30 and rounds 1 and 2, is that I'm spending the entire 30 days trying to figure out how to incorporate better dietary goals into my everyday life.  I don't want to eat everything bad for me every day of the year other than those I am doing a round of Whole30.  I also don't want to say I can never have another cupcake or scoop of ice cream or burger on a bun.  The question for me this entire time has been, "When is it going to be worth it, and when is it not?"  I would also love to know if it's the dairy or the grains that cause my daily stomach issues, so I know which to avoid more often.  My overall thinking has been that if I can find Paleo subs for my favorite "no-no" foods, then what the hell have I got to lose?  Sure, I can eat out with the Hubs every once in a while and have a rich, sugary, buttery roll with dinner, but I don't need to do that every night...and I need to let my body lead that charge.

Also, because of my issues with dieting and my eating disorder, I'm liking the idea of not measuring my food or overanalyzing everything I eat.  If I can stick to some basic "rules" for myself about the types of food I eat, then maybe I can live a normal existence as if I'm simply someone with a food allergy or other such issue.  There are people walking around every day, eating in restaurants and shopping in some of those middle aisles at the grocery store, who simply avoid dairy or wheat or whatever because they have a legit allergy to that food.  While I can't claim allergy, the fact that my daily stomach problems have DISAPPEARED in 13 days leads me to believe that my body has problems digesting certain types of foods.  If I avoid them most of the time and only use that small percentage for times that really mean something to me emotionally (or because it's an extra special treat), then I may just find the ticket I need to stop overplanning and being overly picky about how much I can eat.

I just wanted to leave you with a list of all the things I have gained in these 13 days:

- I am lighter on my feet.
- My knees aren't creaking as much.
- My back pain has almost gone completely.
- My foot is feeling a lot better.
- I'm regaining some flexibility.
- My stomach pains are gone.
- My head is finally clear and my headaches are growing more rare.
- I have clarity of mind when I'm working.
- I sleep more soundly.
- I have more confidence in my ability to prepare healthy foods or find alternatives.
- My skin has cleared up.
- I have a lot more energy.

Yesterday I would have told you that I was feeling smaller because my clothes were getting baggy, but it's really been hit or miss with my body responding to that.  Today I feel a little more bloated for some strange reason...(maybe too many pickles on my bunless burger last night?  salt?!), but I have been checking the scale (Whole30 devotees can now scold me, I don't care) and I have lost weight.  Roughly 15-16 pounds thus far given the day and time of day.  This, while important to me, is the least important to how I actually feel and how capable I am at doing active things.

Did I tell you I'm going rafting this weekend?  Eep!

http://youtu.be/shnjzgLmtZk

There it be.

This is part of what I've been working on for days.  Going to shoot a vlog later for the vlog channel and hope to vlog every day throughout my Whole30 so you can see how I look, what I feel like and get the real impression of how I'm doing.  (Bonus? I think it will help keep me on task knowing I need to report about my experience every day.)

So you can subscribe to my vlog channel for updates from the FitFat Girl on healthy eating/fitness, etc.
http://www.youtube.com/user/newruvlogs
And you can subscribe to my other channel for fun beauty stuff.
http://www.youtube.com/user/thebeautynewru


That's what's up.
Working on my 2013 goals and this is a big part of that.  Time to get REAL!

I started a 2012 in pictures type post a la The Chicken Scoop, but I didn't make it past fall before I realized I had more to say than pictures can tell.

I fell apart a bit in 2012.

Don't think this is one of those sad woe-is-me type posts.
Not at all.
I think falling apart was exactly what I needed.

In 2010 I started losing weight and working out and getting healthy.
And it was easy and fun and I took it for granted.

And in 2011 thing slowed down and I got mad at the scale because it wasn't moving fast enough.
And I took for granted the fact that it was still moving.

And in 2012, I fell apart.  I went backward.  I lost mobility and discovered the true battle I will be fighting for the rest of my life.
This is not going to be easy.
Not that I think it's easy for anyone, but, let us be honest, there are people that started after me and are already done and didn't hit any super major roadblocks to trip them up.  Yes, to me they had it easy.
As I progressed I merely uncovered the truly horrible bone and joint structure my body is made up of.  It's funny I've spent all this time wondering what my outside body will look like when I'm skinny, but I never considered how torn up the inside already was.
And I can't tell you if my years of being overweight attributed to that or caused it or what (though I'm pretty much 100% sure it did not help).

I actually came into this world broken.
I probably never told any of you that.
On the way out my shoulders were so broad that I broke my collarbone on the way out.
When I was 6, I broke it again in a high-stakes game of superman with my sister.
A whole 10 years passed before I got another broken bone, when I broke my foot due to my knee popping out on me while jumping up and down.
By then I already knew my knee joints were shot.

So what does a girl who has felt broken all her life, both mentally and physically, do with herself when she feels like she's fallen apart completely?
Because that has been the end of 2012 for me.

And the only possible thing I can think to do is rebuild.

Trust me, I thought about the alternatives.
I considered giving up on myself, on life, on anything ever working out.
I can't say that I don't still believe that the world wasn't meant for people like me from time to time, but I can tell you that I am not for a second taking for granted that I have these bonds with important people in my life, people who deserve every bit of the happiness the world can dish out.  If I can stick around and just watch how things unfold for them, and maybe even be there for them when they need it - if my suffering in some way evens out the world so they can have whatever they desire out of life - I'm here for the long haul.

I know that sounds defeatest, but it's really not.
I would 100% give up my life, my happiness and every bit of myself for my children.
I think every mother would.

Now I'm hoping the world doesn't ask that of me.
I have plans to better myself in 2013 and I would love some cooperation on that front.
But when it comes down to the down and dirty nitty gritty my life for theirs question - there is no doubt where I would go with that.

2012 may have broken me, but it taught me what was important.
The people I love.
My husband, who has somehow become the one person in my entire world who can pull me out of the depths with just a touch.
My sons, who remind me every single day just how lucky I really am to have them in my life and watch them grow.
My mother, who drives me crazy sometimes but is the absolute best thing I bring with me from my childhood.
My two should-be sisters, Andrea and Hillary, who have taught me that I am actually better today than I was before and I'm still someone worth knowing.
My new sister, my step-brother, and the family they are building.  Because I finally learned this year just how important it is to ADD, not subtract to the love.
My step-brother, who is having his own bit of falling apart happening right now.  If I can just help him through somehow, maybe all I've gone through will have meant something.
My nieces, who I never get to see but I would fly to in an instant if they ever needed me and would protect them as my own in full-on Momma Bear mode.
Even my sister.  Because even though we do not get along hardly ever and we rarely connect on anything - I realize just how special it is to have someone in the world who experienced life a lot like you did, if even just a bit differently.

I've made some new friends along the way.
I've challenged myself to put myself out there and people have responded with kindness and love.
I will cherish this part of 2012 and will use that to build myself a better me in the upcoming year.

I have dreams and goals still.
As much as I think at times I might be happier to just let life flow without a plan, I am not that type of person.

I have some ideas in my head, some plans in the works.
I'm trying to start a YouTube channel as a bit of a test for myself to put myself out there even more.
I want to find some real meaning in my life and a purpose that is more than go to work and make money to pay the bills.
I want to be more than a fat girl trying to get fit.
I want to indulge the parts of myself that already exist.
The girl in love with makeup and fashion but never seems to understand how to make them work with what she's got.  I'm going to figure it out this year!
The girl who loves taking pictures, even if she should by all rights be able to edit and sell her prints but can't seem to be okay with misperfection.  I'm going to find a way to push past my fear of the imperfect and let myself contribute to the world.

I think my youngest son said it best last night when he turned to me and said, "You're so scared of being wrong.  It's not going to be perfect."  Oh, his little mind is more brilliant than he realizes.

2013 is the year of messing up.
I'm going to actually set out to fail.
I'm going to let myself trip.
I'm going to make mistakes.
I hope I learn that mistakes don't kill me and that people are okay with me even when I'm not perfect.
I hope I learn to love my flawed self.

Too long I've waited in the wings here to be perfect.
I didn't want to show you who I really was or what I really wanted because I was afraid that you would tear me down.  I was afraid you would point out the flaws.  I didn't want to be called fat or lazy or stupid or wrong or just not talented enough.  So I hid parts of myself.

I don't write because I can't get it perfect on the first go-round.

It's been haunting me my entire life.
But no more.
Here we go!

2013 Plans:
* Start up a photography side business
* Do NaNoWriMo for real this time
* Start a YouTube channel (2 actually) - one on beauty and one vlogging my experiences
* Tighten the purse strings and stick to a strict budget
* Really participate in couponing on a regular basis
* Do the Whole30 for the Whole30
* Figure out how to manage my broken body and get back to feeling strong